Hadouken! A Pyro's Tale
by ShinyLapras
Summary: After being beaten time and time again, the RED team has hired a new Pyro. But he isn't what they expected...Or is it a she? Some slight Pyro/Scout fluff and hints at Heavy/Medic. Rated T for some swearing.
1. Prologue: The New Kid

**Prologue**

A/N: This is my first fanfic/TF2 fic, so don't expect too much. All characters belong to Valve, but I edited Pyro's identity and backstory.

* * *

"Success!" The Builder's League United team's Fearless Leader proclaimed, the announcement echoing throughout the barren wasteland known to everyone as Dustbowl when the BLU team captured Reliable Excavations and Demolition's last capture point.

"Wooho! Man, those RED guys are a buncha knuckleheads!" Scout cheered, swinging his aluminum bat with enthusiasm.

"Da, why do they send babies to fight men?" Heavy Weapons Guy pitched in.

"Don't start cheering yet ladies, those maggots are still alive. We're at war damnit! As Sun Tzu said-" The Soldier growled ominously, preparing an epic list of battle quotes.

"Aww, don't be such a killjoy old man. Let's go back to base." Scout quickly interrupted. That crusty old coot's battle speeches were boring and repetitive and didn't even make sense. Besides, it was very easy to push Soldier's buttons, and Scout loved to annoy people. He sped back to the BLU Resupply center, with the Soldier charging after him, brandishing his shovel while screaming, "You will address your superiors as sir, private!"

The 7 foot tall Russian mountain looked bemused and slowly plodded off after them. The BLU team had won so many times already, it had become boring to slaughter their RED rivals during the ceasefire. As a sign of contempt, they were left with their lives. The Heavy sighed. It was getting harder and harder to prevent their constantly drunk Demoman from doing something stupid like throwing Sniper's urine jars at Spy's new suits, as he always drank alcohol to celebrate.

_Meanwhile, at RED base…_

"Merde! You 'ave realized zhat zhis is ze _eleventh_ time ze BLU team 'as beaten us in a row?" The RED Spy spluttered, his thin frame shaking with rage. He was shaking so hard that the cigarette in his mouth was on the verge of falling out.

"Maybe if you backstabbed some of the bloody wankers we'dve stood a chance." The Sniper muttered, polishing his kukri with a rag as he spoke.

"Oh yeah? And 'ow would you know how to fight ze bastards, your idea of combat is to run five miles away and 'ope to shoot zem in ze face." The Spy retorted. The Sniper glared and stood up, throwing the rag on the red table.

"Well, ah heard there's a new Pahro comin' our way." The Texan Engineer spoke amiably, hurriedly diverting Spy and Sniper from lunging at each other's throats again, especially since Sniper clenched his melee weapon purposefully.

"Jah, Scout's supposed to get him." The Medic chuckled at the thought of the hyperactive Bostonian attempting to chat up a mute, almost Frankenstein-like Pyro.

"I feel sorry fer the new lad, the Scout's one twitchy 'ooligan." Demoman mumbled, glugging the rest of his beer. The Medic tutted disapprovingly, wondering how the Scottish Cyclops hadn't detonated his liver yet.

"Oh great, just what I needed. Anozzer 'azard to my very expensive suits." Spy cheered sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Their last Pyro took pleasure in burning his suits to cheer himself up, so Spy wasn't exactly a Pyrophile.

* * *

Scout was jogging in place impatiently at the recruit drop-off zone. Pyro was supposed to be there half an hour ago. If he didn't come soon, Scout would miss the epic Red Sox vs Yankees game. And that was one baseball game with the Red Sox he did _not_ want to miss.

"First thing I'm gonna do when this flamer gets his ass here is bonk him." Scout muttered vehemently, grabbing his faithful aluminum baseball bat. Finally, after an agonizing fifty seconds later, a red bus rolled in and the replacement Pyro was dropped off.

"Finally! You took your frickin' time." Scout grumbled. Then he looked at Pyro and frowned. This Pyro was very different from the last one they had. This new Pyro's asbestos suit was still as bulky as his previous counterparts', but his gloves and boots were smaller too. And the hands…they were as big as the Scout's! Scout looked at the tiny hands clutching their owner's flamethrower with defiance and sighed. Having this shrimpy Pyro wouldn't help boost his team's spirits up much.

"You sure you're the new replacement? Going for RED team, right? 'Cuz you look weird." Scout commented.

Pyro nodded his head. He was used to the comments that he got from previous Scouts on his old teams. This wasn't his first time on a team, but he kept getting shunted to different teams. Because he "distracted" his teammates with his existence, and they performed poorly as a result.

"Well then, let's get going. Hurry up, I'm going to miss the Red Sox game." Scout shouted, tearing off towards the RED base.

Pyro laughed at the familiar sight, his gas mask muffling the noise. After half a year of waiting for a team that needed a Pyro, there was finally an opening after the previous Pyro on the team burned his face off. He started running towards the Scout, groaning with frustration at Scout's speed and Pyro's lack of it. Finally, he spotted a RED soldier patrolling the entrance. It was ironic that this soldier was wearing red, for though he hated Nazis and Communists, he almost looked like a Communist soldier. Pyro laughed at the thought. Soldier stopped patrolling and marched towards the Pyro.

"And what the hell do you think you're doing here, maggot?" Soldier barked, cutting off the Pyro's laughter.

"Mm pha nmm rrrcrrt." Pyro explained, hoping that Soldier would understand.

"So you're the new recruit? I thought we were getting a man as a replacement, not some Nazi-loving shrimp! Get down and give me twenty!" Soldier thundered, his index finger pointing on the ground beneath him.

Pyro laughed and shook his head. This crusty old man wasn't going to boss _him_ around. Pyro would listen to Medic, Heavy, Sniper, and maybe even Scout, but not to Soldier.

"Are you disrespectin' me, private? You're to follow a superior's orders, damnit!" Soldier screamed, pulling out his shovel and ready to give this young whippersnapper some discipline.

"Yrrr m dmmaph. Yrrr phmmdn m phmml n mm phmmdn m phammphorr." Pyro snorted, aiming his flamethrower at Soldier's exposed face. The nozzle was three centimeters from the Soldier's nose. Soldier froze. New recruits usually cowered before him. Why was this one acting so strangely? Although he would rather eat gunpowder than admit it, the new recruit impressed him.

* * *

"Oi, what's takin' the new guy so long?" Sniper wondered out loud.

"I heff no idea. Scout vas supposed to get him." Medic replied.

"I think I'd better check with Soldier, maybe he saw 'im." The Aussie suggested, taking his submachine gun with him. You could never be too careful, especially in Dustbowl. That dump was home to coyotes, scorpions, sunstroke, and a Soldier with a fuse that constantly seemed to be on fire. He walked outside and raised his eyebrows. A RED Pyro, their new Pyro, was holding the Soldier at flamethrower-point.

"Easy now, don't want to get your head blown off now, do ya mate?" Sniper warned, pointing his SMG at Pyro's head. Pyro started and realized that his finger was a hair breadth away from pulling the trigger. He shook his head off the SMG and lowered his flamethrower, walking into the base.

"You never saw any of this happen." Soldier growled threateningly. Sniper smiled and nodded his head.

"C'mon Soldier, you're gonna miss all the fun." Sniper winked and the Soldier gave a noncommittal grunt in reply. The two went back inside to witness the Pyro being introduced to everyone.

* * *

Pyro slowly walked towards the mess hall, where the rest of his new "teammates" were chatting. No doubt they would not take kindly to him almost igniting the Soldier. He stopped walking and hesitated. Should he go and introduce himself now, or wait until their next mission? Maybe he could just keep to himself. Most Pyros tended to do that. But that was what he tried to do with his previous teams, and they became too curious about his identity.

"_Damnit, why can't everyone keep their noses out of my business?"_ He thought angrily. But of course, everyone wanted to know what lay hidden behind a mask…even the Spy's, although the Frenchman took his off when he ate. He took a deep breath and walked into the mess hall, trying to be inconspicuous. He figured he could just take one good look at them for a bit and then go to his room. However, it didn't go out as planned. He might as well have run into the room without a mask, screaming "I'M BEING INCONSPICUOUS! PLEASE IGNORE ME!"

"There 'e is! That's the new laddie!" Demoman shouted, pointing at the Pyro's left arm. Well, drat. So much for being inconspicuous. The Pyro sighed and resignedly sat down in a seat that smelled faintly of propane. He guessed that was the seat all the RED team's previous Pyros sat at and that it would be his new seat.

"Mrrrm!" Pyro greeted everyone, waving a slender, glove covered hand. Everyone stared at the hand, then at the Pyro's body, then back at the hand and gave puzzled looks.

"Hahaha, the new Pyro has leetle baby hands!" Heavy broke the silence that followed with a booming roar of laughter. Pyro agitatedly clenched and unclenched his "baby hands" and was considering knocking the Heavy a couple pegs down. The Pyro was saved from immediate dismemberment by Scout, who just came pelting into the mess hall to see what the commotion was about.

"Oh, so you made it here already! Lemme introduce you to everyone. I'm Scout, there's Medic, Sniper, Spy, Engineer, Soldier, Heavy, and Demoman. You're sharing a room with me. Wanna come see it?" Scout chattered rapidly, pointing to each class he mentioned.

"Mmphm." Pyro nodded, glad that he could finally get away from everyone. He followed the Scout and flopped onto the bed. Unlike the chair, his bed smelled of kerosene. He found it comforting that even though he constantly switched teams, there were some things that would never change. Without even bothering to take off his suit, he fell asleep.

* * *

  
Pyro Glossary:  
1. I'm the new recruit.  
2. You're a dumbass. You're holding a shovel and I'm holding a flamethrower.  
3. Hello!  
4. Mmhm.


	2. Chapter 1: Wheels

**Chapter 1**

A/N: I kinda delayed the epic RED vs BLU battle to the next chapter. Instead you have the beginnings of some Scout/Pyro fluff, some boring character development, and a Civilian cameo. I also experimented with Pyro's glossary and his breaking of the fourth wall. If you don't like it, just let me know.

* * *

3:00 AM

"_RED Team, please report to the Mission Relocation Bus Zone. I repeat, RED Team, please report to the Mission Relocation Bus Zone."_ The Announcer spoke in a loud voice over the intercom in an effort to wake them up.

"AUUUUUGH!" Pyro screamed in surprise at the sudden burst of noise from five hours of relative quiet.

"AHHHHHHH!" Scout yelled fearfully, startled by Pyro's sudden outburst. They crashed into each other and clung on tightly, thinking that their base was going to explode and that their game would be over. Pyro and Scout caused so much noise that Engineer rushed in with a pistol in his hand, thinking that a BLU Spy might have been causing them trouble.

"Are y'all oka…Oh…Sorry fer interruptin', I'll just leave now." Engineer's jaw dropped as he saw Pyro and Scout hugging each other fiercely. Who knew that Pyro and Scout were a gay couple? While Pyro was a mysterious and unknown character, Engineer knew that Scout was the biggest homophobe in the whole history of the RED team. He quickly shut the door behind him, eager to tell his teammates the shocking news.

Scout and Pyro quickly let go of each other, although Pyro was slightly more reluctant. It had been a very, _very_ long time since anyone hugged him, and he loved the feeling, even if this one was involuntary. Scout's face was beet red, but Pyro's gas mask was, as usual, expressionless.

"Sorry about that…I've never heard a Pyro scream before." Scout muttered, turning his blushing face away from the Pyro's apathetic gas mask.

Those gas masks always creeped him out slightly. You could never tell what a Pyro was thinking, or have direct eye contact, or even see his face. Because of that damn gas mask you couldn't even tell if the Pyro was a he or a she. Plus, he didn't want to admit that the asbestos suit the Pyro wore was really warm, or that it felt nice hugging him.

"Mmph mmkmm, nmm mnn haph." ((It's okay, no one has.)) Pyro shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Pyro was the type of person who would never raise their volume, except to a deaf person, or someone that couldn't understand what he was saying. So far, everyone was able to interpret the muffled rasps he made as actual words, which was fortunate.

"Okay…We gotta go to the bus, we're moving to another spot so we can whup some BLU asses. It's called 2Fort if you don't know already. Just follow everyone else and you'll get there." Scout mumbled, pelting out of the room, eager to put some distance between himself and Pyro.

He turned back and saw Pyro slowly walk out of the room, looking unsure where he should go. Scout sighed. All of the other classes had already gone out of their rooms and were headed to the bus. While he could just run away and ditch him (which would have been tons of fun), Scout would've felt terribly guilty for dropping the recruit to the mercy of the BLU team. There was only one option left.

"Alright, you can follow me, but I'm not slowing down for you!" Scout grumbled, easing himself to jogging speed so Pyro could see where he was going. Pyro nodded and ran after him again, remembering how Scout seemed eager to ditch him when they first met, which was not even seven hours ago. Ah well, that meant that Pyro could sink into that comfortable mute monster role that every flame user seemed to fill.

Soon they ended up at the bus zone. Pyro sighed in relief. He was glad that he managed to make it there on time. The Civilian bus driver had to bring in a bigger bus so the Heavy could fit in, so the rest of the team was still waiting outside. Pyro made sure to give Scout a wide berth as he waited for the bus. Scout did likewise, standing as far away from Pyro as possible. Pyro caught his teammates smirking at him.

"_Must not set teammates on fire."_ Pyro gritted his teeth, starting to chant the most sacred commandment of the Pyros in his head.

"_Must not set teammates on fire."_

"_Must not set teammates on fire."_

"_Must not –"_

"Aww, looks laik they've had a row. Come on laddie, you should go talk to yer boyfriend an' cheer 'im up." Demoman grinned and put his hand on Pyro's shoulder, breaking his concentration.

"Phmm mm lmmph tmm, m nmm gmm!" ((For the last time, I'm not gay!)) Pyro growled in annoyance, shoving the drunken man off him. The Demoman seemed to mutter something along the lines of "Bullshit." He turned away from the cyclops and gave a death stare to Hard Hat. The Engineer coughed and lowered his gaze. Conveniently, right when Pyro could have beaten up everyone in the team (especially Scout) to prove that he wasn't gay, the bus rolled in.

"Hurry up, I don't have all day." The Civilian bus driver grumbled. Pyro frowned. The Civilian looked familiar. He was wearing a black business suit and red tie. A thin moustache slanted down his mouth. His hairline was receding, but the remaining hair that hugged the side of his head was a shiny black.

"Alright, lemme just check everyone off. Spy, Scout, Engineer, Heavy, Medic, Demoman, Sniper, Soldier, and Pyro. Yup, everyone's here." The Civilian muttered, crossing off everyone's profession on a clipboard.

"Hold up Pyro, can I just see your fire axe really quick? I wanna check something." The Civilian asked as the Pyro boarded the bus. He was looking for one particular Pyro…could this one be it? Pyro made a puzzled grunt and presented his melee weapon. Aside from a nick in the middle of the blade, everything else was in order. The Civilian traced a pudgy finger on the nick's outline.

"It can't be…Ari-mmph?" The forty eight year old man spoke incredulously, only for his mouth to be roughly clamped with a small, glove covered hand.

"Phh…" ((Shh…)) Pyro whispered, nodding and putting his free index finger to the gas mask's nozzle. He withdrew his hand from the Civilian's open mouth and sat down in a two seater across from Scout. Spy watched the scene interestedly. The Civilian seemed to know this Pyro; more importantly, the Pyro seemed eager to keep his name and identity a secret. Naturally, as the curious dirt digger and information gatherer of the team, the Frenchman would have to investigate. The Civilian seemed lost in thought as he slammed his foot on the gas pedal.

The Scout, never known for his subtlety, immediately began interrogating the Pyro, forgetting that they were an allegedly gay couple.

"Yo, Pyro, what the hell was up with that? You mind telling me why you cut him off when he was sayin' your name?"

"Phmvmmn waph mm nmmbrr. Mm nmm's Arrph. M dnn lmm mm nmm." ((Civilian was my neighbor. My name's Ares. I don't like my name.)) Pyro explained.

"Ares, huh? Well, I can see why you don't like your name, it's pretty damn weird." Scout commented.

"Vait, isn't Ares ze Greek god of var?" Medic frowned. Ares was, indeed, as Scout so eloquently put it, a strange name. Maybe the Pyro's parents were Greek or something. Pyro nodded, looking down at his boots. He hated how pretentious his name seemed to be.

"_God damnit, why does the author insist on dragging on character development so much? Give me a battle already! I don't want to give out any more information!"_ Pyro cursed inwardly, breaking the fourth wall for the first time. It was a new thing for him, and he was so surprised at his sudden outburst that he didn't say anything for the rest of the bus ride.

He decided to entertain himself with a cigarette lighter, clicking it on and off at intervals. Scout looked at the miniature flame, fascinated. He wished he could control fire. Pyro laughed and tossed the lighter to his Bostonian friend. Scout quickly caught it and stared at his palm. It was a cheap red lighter, one that you'd find at the drugstore. It seemed to be the Pyro's favorite, though, as the plastic cover had Pyro's fingerprints smeared all over it.

"You serious? I don't know how to make it light." Scout asked the Pyro, baffled by the art of rolling his thumb on some gears and making a fire come out.

"Mmm phmm yuu." ((I'll show you.)) Pyro leaned over and gently rolled his skinny thumb over the gears worn smooth from the many times he performed this action. With a click, a tiny feather of flame leapt out. Scout watched him closely and copied Pyro's movements. He yelped in surprise when he managed to produce a flame. Scout marveled at his newfound ability and tried handing the lighter back to Pyro.

"Kmmp nt." ((Keep it.)) Pyro shook his head, hesitating slightly before pushing the lighter back into Scout's hand.

"Wow, thanks!" Scout grinned. He had to admit, there was something kickass about being able to control fire, even if it was from a dinky portable cigarette lighter. Just then, Spy snatched the cigarette lighter from Scout's hands and lit himself another cigarette. He smirked and put the lighter in his pocket while exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Merci beaucoup, Scout. My need was great." He spoke smoothly, biting back a grin.

"Hey, that's Pyro's lighter! He gave it to me!" Scout whined, put out by Spy's sudden theft.

"Well, it is mine now. Besides, I 'ave needed a new one for ze longest time." The Spy replied evenly. The Scout thought he heard Pyro snarl "Amphho" ((Asshole)), but he wasn't too sure.

"Okay everyone, we've arrived at 2Fort! Get ready to start kicking some BLU ass!" The Civilian shouted over everyone's conversation. Heavy and Medic looked peeved, as they were in the middle of an intimate conversation. Everyone filed out of the bus, but Civilian put a porky hand on Pyro's shoulder.

"Wait, Ari…Ares, I have a favor to ask you…" Civilian whispered. Pyro stiffened his shoulders and fixed him with a blank stare.

"Your father's been looking for the both of you…He wants to know if you two are still alive. Well, basically, just let me know if you find your sister, alright? He's worried sick about the both of you." Civilian pleaded. Pyro gave him a swift nod before departing from the bus, running to catch up to his teammates, who were all waiting for him. As soon as he walked into the Supply Room, the Announcer declared,

"_Mission begins in sixty seconds."_

Oh, shit. They only had sixty seconds to prepare themselves for the first victory they would celebrate for a long time. While Pyro wanted the character development to end and the battle to begin, he didn't want to battle _this_ soon.


	3. Dead End

I just wanted everyone to know that yes, I am still alive. Unfortunately, I've lost muse for this story (I blame real life and homework overload for this :/) and I'm not going to update it anymore. Consider it a dead fic.

I won't give up on writing fanfics forever, though! I'm considering making a Snakus fic for Brawl (maybe even write something for Pokémon about an ex-Magma character of mine), and if I do, I will actually try to make regular updates for once.

Suggestions for new fics are always appreciated too. C:

-ShinyLapras


End file.
